We need to talk about the fact that every character in ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ is terrible at their jobs


they are bad at work !

Image: universal

Warning: Spoilers follow for Fifty Shades Freed .

If there’s one thing you are able to take away from Fifty Shades Freed , it’s this: No stuff how bad you are at your work, you’re still not even worse as literally every single reputation in this movie.

Fifty Shades is a veritable debauchery of slownes and unprofessionalism- which might not be a problem, except that the cinema also insists on registering everyone at work all the time.

Multiple backgrounds are devoted to Ana explaining that it’s extremely important for her to exertion; Christian is routinely admired for his brilliant business inclinations. Plus, since they’re the kind of couple who just has any outside pals, most of the people encircling them are beings likewise at work- hires, peers, public servants.

So here’s to the unspeakable staff members of Fifty Shades Freed . It’s time they were recognized for the utterly unspeakable part they’re doing. Below, a ranking of Fifty Shades ‘ countless hired beings, from least-bad to the absolute worst.

The banker

I’m not sure how good he is as an actual banker, but three cheers for this mortal who extends above and beyond, even relinquishing his telephone for Ana’s well-being. I hope the Greys did the neat act and replaced it with a brand-new iPhone X.

I don’t love that he snitches on Ana when she tries to withdraw the money, but we’ll give him the well being of the doubt and assume that they do not have a joint detail.( Restraining Ana by the purse strings is exactly the various kinds of asshole power play that Christian would attract .)

Boyce Fox

His book is selling and he reacts politely during a business gather. Around now, that kind of bare-minimum expertise originates him a quintessence of professionalism.

Ana’s doctor

Eh, regard, the lady’s been administering the contraceptive hits on schedule; it’s not her blame her patient flaked out, stopped coming, and got pregnant.


Taylor continues to act unfazed by his weird boss, while successfully driving him around and racing his terrifying errands. This given the opportunity to be established a Remains of the Day statu, where an aging Taylor examines back on their own lives in assistance with frightful bitternes. But he is getting the job done for now, so … sure.


Hannah’s job consists of stuff like fetching lattes, canceling finds, and unionizing the many, numerous batches of article on Ana’s desk. She is fine at these stuffs, and even find time to make double entendres about Ana’s red-hot protector.

I’m presenting her extra credit for doing all of this without grumble, which is more than I’d manage in her location. Which, in case you forgot Fifty Shades Darker , is serving as an assistant to a less-qualified collaborator who used to be her equal.

The Seattle Independent Press HR and IT departments

Ana comes back from her honeymoon to discover that in her need, her firm has promoted her into a brand-new point, rearranged her agency, and changed her email address- all without so much as casting her a Slack notification, let alone, y’know, querying her if she demanded a new job with new responsibilities. This is not how work labor!

Mrs. Jones

Christian’s cook wants to reassure Ana that this is her residence now, and that she will do anything in her supremacy to represent Ana pleasant. Ana asks Mrs. Jones to announced her “Ana” instead of “Mrs. Grey.” Mrs. Jones immediately scorns this application because “Well, I call your husband Mr. Grey, so … “

Also, at no spot do we are really construe Mrs. Jones cook anything, since Ana and Christian are incessantly referring her residence so they can cook for one another. Why are they still her ?!

Kate Kavanagh

Technically, Kate doesn’t do any actual work in Fifty Shades . But in keeping with the theme of this announce, I, very, am trying to be very bad at my job, so I am including her now. It’s Kate’s incompetence, after all, that got us all into this mess embarking upon.

In the first Fifty Shades , she’s scheduled to interrogation Christian, but get sick. So instead of calling up a collaborator to sub in for her, she pulps Ana, who’s never interviewed anyone in her life, to call Christian and speak the questions for her. Contentions like “Do you have any interests outside of duty? ” and “Are you gay? ”

Anastasia Grey( nee Steele)

The single biggest laugh at my screening came when Christian sincerely tells Ana that she got her publicity through “hard work and flair, ” absolutely no truth to the rumors associates. Because, certainly: What work?

Most of Ana’s time in the office is wasted canceling appointments because of Christian-related shenanigans, cutting confronts short-lived because of Christian-related shenanigans, and managing Christian’s ego when he doesn’t belief she dedicates enough time to Christian-related shenanigans.

The one time we verify Ana doing actual undertaking, it’s time to tell someone to “make the font two lengths big in the hardcover.” Just try not to be blown away by that various kinds of bold, out-of-the-box reckoning !!!

Than again, perhaps she’s not working because she can’t, because her position is filled with loads of article and no computer. This is an specially heinous oversight deeming previous films were fitted with Apple produces- there’s one incident in Darker that’s mostly exactly an unboxing video for a glistening new MacBook. I predict the company gathered its make placement consider.

Jerry Roach

Oh, Jerry. I want to be nicer to Jerry since he’s one of the few male attributes in Fifty Shades who doesn’t come across like a secret serial killer. But Jerry is very bad at moving a publishing residence!

In Fifty Shades Darker , his brain was blown when Ana impelled the progressive suggestion that they … try developing their business. In this one, he is extremely affected that Ana’s risky trick of signing a popular writer has paid off.

Detective Clark( and, frankly, the part Seattle police department)

At one point in the movie, Christian Grey calls the police to point out that it’s possibly not a coincidence that his sister has gone missing and his wife has gone$ 5 million in money on the same day that a murderous criminal who’s been stalking their family for months went out on indemnity.

Literally what have these parties even been doing this whole time.

Gia Matteo

Gia Matteo is a world-renown architect who’s worked on countless “prestige projects.” Yet when she’s hired to rehabilitate the Greys’ brand-new residence, it never passes to her to invite her clients what they miss before going ahead and depicting up complicated schemes that, surprise astound, turn out to be exactly the opposite of what her consumers miss.

After all that, Gia never even purposes up designing anything. She briefly resurfaces for a scene with Christian’s brother, and then evaporates again. We never find out what happened to the house.


We had such high hopes for Sawyer. Alas- I’ve encountered housecats that were harder to outwit than this “security expert.” At one point, Ana must be free to tempt him into a different room so that she can slip out unnoticed. She announces him from like ten feet away, and he is instantly clowned!

Plus, he’s a snitch. When Ana departs out for boozings, after predicting Christian she wouldn’t, Sawyer immediately tells on her to Christian. Come the fuck on, dude.

Actually, the part Grey security team

Come to think of it, Sawyer is not the only snafuing bodyguard in the Greys’ employ. Every member of this family has a personal security crew, and yet there are like three different instances in which these pickets “losing ones” attacks.

They forget Ana on the road, and then lose the car that was trailing Ana. They either fail to notes the fact that Mia has been missing, or fail to tell anyone. At one point, these beings forget Ana < em> in her own live , even though she wasn’t even really disguising- merely lying on a lounge in a locked chamber that no one thought to check.

Christian Grey

After watching all three of these movies and predicting half the first journal, I still haven’t the faintest feeling what Christian Grey actually does , besides stare out of skyscraper openings seeming agitated. Nor could I tell you nothing about Grey Enterprises, other than that Gia is a big fan of their work in Africa. He might as well be Vincent Adultman drudging away at the business factory.

Like his wife, he expends the majority of members of his daylight haunting about their relationship- running over to her agency to chide her for not paying attention to him, driving over to her power to whisk her apart on startle trip, planning last-minute business outings so he can try and pressure her to come along.

I’m all for impressing a good work-life offset, but this is just ridiculous. Even the buster who wrote that journal about the four-hour run week is like, okay, but you know you still have to leant those four hours in, right ?

For all of this, Christian is paid well enough that he can buy jets and residences as casually as you or I might buy a latte. If the Grey Enterprises board of directors had half a mentality between them, they’d referendum to expel him before he had been able to say “red.”

Then again, continuing this guy in dominance does seem equivalence for such courses in a life even worse at work as the Fifty Shades one is.